The Hidden Gift in Your Strong-Willed Child’s Disobedience: Building Trust, Not Just Compliance

When we welcome the questioning of rules and the curiosity to understand why, we raise children who are more likely to do the right thing even when no one is looking — and who will speak out against injustice and abuse of power.

Our independent and strong-willed kids can be both exciting and, let’s be honest, drive us crazy.

You’ve probably seen the meme:

“I love how independent you are… can you just wait until you leave home?”

That’s the challenge. We appreciate their qualities, worry about what will happen if they don’t learn to follow instructions, and — if we’re honest — sometimes just wish they were easy to live with.

But like all of us, our children need practice to become proficient at anything — whether it’s skills they enjoy, or the ones that are difficult (especially for us to cope with).

This is where we need to be the grounded adult, rather than wishing our child would make our life easier. (Come on, I can’t be the only one who’s wished their child were easier!)

There is an opportunity in our frustration to recognise that perhaps there’s a need for us to grow, to notice where our reactions are coming from.

Sarah Rosensweet shared her view on how to balance behaviour and outcomes beautifully in her blog Weekend Reflection: Why a Disobedient Child Can Be a Good Thing.

And she’s right. But we also need to consider developmental appropriateness and our child’s temperament. For those of us parenting highly oppositional or atypical kids, the edges often need to be presented differently, depending on how our child responds.

It’s not as simple as assuming they don’t know why — or assuming they do.

In Sarah’s story, the child sounded like they were having a little fun, pushing the boundaries to see what would happen — the presence of the curious scientist.

But some kids need less why and more focus on them and their needs. This is especially true for children whose oppositional behaviour is often driven by a deep need for emotional safety.

Raising kids who feel attuned and securely attached means demonstrating that we understand them and their needs — not just trying to make them do as they’re told.

For those of us raised to “just do as we were told” (whether we succeeded or not), it’s possible our own shark music — the subconscious soundtrack of our childhood — can undermine our ability to respond in the most aligned way to our child.

Understanding who our child is, and what they need from their perspective, gives us the greatest opportunity to influence them to make the choices we believe are important.

Become the parent your child needs, through understanding your emotionally difficult/divergent Child.