Opposites by Design Why different Parenting Styles are Normal

Opposites by Design: Why Different Parenting Styles Are Normal

One of the most common frustrations I hear from parents sounds something like this:

“We want the same thing for our kids — but we approach it completely differently.”

Often it’s said with exhaustion.
Sometimes with resentment.
Sometimes with a quiet sense of loneliness.

One parent is focused on structure and consistency. (and can come across a bit “my way or the highway”)
The other prioritises flexibility and responsiveness. (can come across a bit too fluffy to our partner who is then working to mitigate)

One steps in quickly. (which is fine when there is a real risk)
The other waits and watches. (which is fine when there is an opportunity of growth).

One worries about emotional impact. (the underlaying childhood “shark music” trap)
The other worries about resilience. (same challenge different perspective).

And somewhere along the way, difference starts to feel like a problem to be solved.

It isn’t.

Difference between parents is normal — not a flaw

Most couples aren’t randomly matched. It might seem like it, but our biology is programmed at it’s primordial level for intimate partnerships to seek a means of strengthening our bloodline.

We’re often drawn to people whose strengths complement our own — not mirror them.

The steady one partners with the intuitive one.
The planner partners with the improviser. (hello if you’ve not met my husband and I)
The protector partners with the challenger.

In calm seasons, these differences balance beautifully.

But under stress — and parenting is a long-term stressor — the differences amplify.

What once felt attractive can start to feel threatening.

And without meaning to, many parents begin trying to manage and mitigate each other

When “getting on the same page” becomes a trap

There’s a popular idea in parenting that partners must be “on the same page”.

It sounds reasonable.
Even responsible.

But taken too literally, it can create more harm than harmony.

Because “same page” often gets interpreted as:

• same responses

• same tone

• same timing

• same priorities

And when that doesn’t happen, frustration creeps in.

Especially for the parent who has done more reading, reflecting, or emotional labour.

At that point, difference starts to feel like:

• being undermined

• not being valued

• not being listened to

And that’s usually when control sneaks in — quietly.

What’s often underneath the need for control

When one parent becomes highly invested in how others care for the children, it’s rarely about power.

It’s about fear.

Questions like:

• What if my child is hurt emotionally?

• What if they’re misunderstood?

• What if I lose the progress I’ve worked so hard for?

• What if my child feels safer with the other parent than with me?

These fears are deeply human — especially for the primary carer.

But the more we try to control how the world responds to our children, the smaller our influence actually becomes.

Control strains relationships.
Trust strengthens them.

Leadership is not sameness — it’s shared direction

Leading a family doesn’t mean parents must do things the same way.

It means they understand:

• their own patterns

• each other’s stress responses

• where difference helps

• and where alignment truly matters

You don’t need identical approaches to be on the same team.

You need:

• shared values

• agreed boundaries

• and space for individual style

Children benefit from experiencing different ways of being with adults, as long as those differences sit inside emotional safety.

That’s not confusing.

It’s strengthening.

When neurodivergence is part of the picture

In families where ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence are present, polarity often feels sharper.

You may notice differences in:

• processing speed

• emotional intensity

• tolerance for stimulation

• follow-through

• need for structure or autonomy

Neurodivergence doesn’t create these differences — it magnifies them.

Which is why awareness, not correction, is so important.

When adults misinterpret each other’s intent, tension escalates quickly.

When they understand patterns, leadership becomes possible again.

What children actually need from us

Children don’t need parents who always agree.

They need adults who can:

• hold difference without hostility

• repair when things go wrong

• validate feelings without taking sides

• separate behaviour from identity

• and stay emotionally available, even when uncomfortable

Being a safe harbour doesn’t mean rescuing children from every difficult experience.

It means trusting their capacity — and staying present while they find their footing.

This is the work of Leading the Family You Have

The shift isn’t:
“How do I get my partner to do it my way?”

It’s:
“How do we lead this family together — with awareness, respect, and shared responsibility?”

Difference is not the enemy.

Misunderstanding is.

And leadership begins when we stop managing each other — and start leading with one another.

If this resonates, you’re not alone.

This is the work I guide parents through — helping them move from managing behaviour to leading through relationship, and from survival into shared direction.

As always – Together we ARE Stronger

Regards

Leanne

The Motherhood Maven

Parenting Mentor | Emotional Fitness Consultant