RHRK - Holiday Gatherings, Boundaries, and Little Nervous Systems

Helping Children Navigate What Feels Big and Strange

The holiday season brings us together with people we may not see at any other time of the year. It can be joyful and connecting but for many children, it’s confusing, overwhelming, and full of mixed messages.

As adults, we often forget how contradictory our expectations can feel to a child.

For example, most of the year we tell our children not to talk to strangers, yet during holiday gatherings we suddenly expect them to speak, hug, kiss, or show affection to people they don’t know simply because we do.

But children don’t experience the world through our familiarity.

They experience it through felt safety.

And if they haven’t seen someone regularly, their nervous system may not recognise that person as “safe” no matter the family connection.

So when a child hesitates, withdraws, or quietly retreats behind your legs, they’re not being rude or disrespectful.

They’re simply saying:

“Right now, my world doesn’t extend to this person.”

That is developmentally normal, appropriate, and deeply human.

Your Child Is Not Being Rude — They’re Being Human

If a child doesn’t feel comfortable greeting someone, it doesn’t indicate poor manners or bad behaviour. It means they’ve reached the edge of what feels safe to them.

I often think back to when my children were little and my husband was away for long stretches with the Navy. Even though he was “Daddy,” he understood that after weeks or months apart, the children might treat him like a stranger. He followed their lead. He allowed the connection to rebuild gently.

Children cannot separate our intentions from their lived experience.

Adults who were raised to override their own boundaries often expect children to do the same. They may interpret a child’s caution as impolite or as a personal insult.

But in truth:

• Some children warm up slowly.

• Some observe first.

• Some need to move at their own pace before offering connection.

None of this is wrong.

It’s simply how their nervous system calibrates safety.

Boundaries Are Learned Through Experience — Not Pressure

Grandma may be safe.
Uncle John may be safe.

But if the child doesn’t know them, they genuinely cannot tell the difference between “family” and “stranger.”

When we insist they “be nice” or give affection on command, we unintentionally teach them:

• your comfort comes second

• your instincts are not trustworthy

• other people’s emotions matter more than your boundaries

• compliance keeps the peace

This is how people-pleasing begins.

Not because we mean to teach it but because children are deeply sensitive to the messages we don’t realise we’re sending.

As adults, we can do better now that we understand this.

We Are the Model: What Do We Want to Teach?

The question to gently hold is:

“Who am I being right now, and what example do I want to set?”

Our children watch how we navigate relationships, discomfort, conflict, and pressure.

They learn far more from our behaviour than they ever do from our words.

Your relative may take offence but that reaction comes from their own upbringing, their emotional capacity, or their inner child feeling touched by something they don’t yet understand.

You can validate the adult’s feelings without overriding your child’s boundaries.

This is where conscious parenting shines:

• You protect the child’s sense of self.

• You model respectful communication.

• You break the cycle of emotional dismissal.

This is leadership in action.

Relationships Grow When We Honour the Child

When you respect your child’s need for space, you help them feel safe — and safe children come closer much sooner.

Children who feel regulated and supported are more likely to explore, connect, and warm up at their own pace.

And when you meet adults with compassion rather than defensiveness, you create the space for relationships to grow more authentically.

This is how strong foundations are built slowly, naturally, and with consent.

Reflection for Your Holiday Gatherings

You might find it helpful to pause and ask:

• What boundary is my child communicating right now?

• Am I responding from my adult self or my inner child?

• What example am I setting about consent and autonomy?

• How can I honour both my child’s needs and the adult’s feelings without sacrificing either?

These small shifts open big possibilities for change within families.

The Gift Is in the Generosity of Acceptance

When we allow children to come closer in their own time, we gift them trust, self-respect, and emotional safety.

And when we allow adults their feelings without bending our child’s boundaries, we gift them the opportunity to grow, too.

This holiday season, the question becomes:

“What space am I creating for someone to come closer whether child or adult?”

If you’re navigating the emotional trenches of parenting especially with sensitive, intense, or neurodivergent children I invite you to join us in the Conscious Wholehearted Parenting community.

It’s a warm, supportive space for learning the skills and perspectives that help children flourish and help parents feel confident, connected, and grounded.

Together, we’re raising emotionally intelligent humans ready for the complexities of today’s world.

Together we ARE Stronger.

With care,

Leanne

The Motherhood Maven

Parenting Mentor | Emotional Fitness Consultant