Have you considered what is the end goal with raising your kids?

Do you regularly connect into why you chose to be parents?  Or is it more one of those things you do when you get together?

These are questions that came up during the Emotional Intimacy Certification I attended this week. 

The point is, we often look at other areas of our lives, career, education, business and consider what do we want and success comes from understanding WHY do we want that, and what are we prepared to do to achieve it.

Yet for some reason most of us go into family life with nothing more than a hope and a prayer.  Wishing, waiting and hoping that things will work out.  Or over reacting to every comparatively small indiscretion, even if it feels big at the time.

What if success was simple to achieve?  Would it be worth putting in a bit more effort or even more than that, rather than effort, change the focus and set the intentions.

Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying, it takes as much time to plan as it does to wish.  Therefore, as planning will empower an outcome, seems like a better investment in our time than all that wishing

While “go with the flow” sounds good, without intention what if our flow and our children’s flow are not the same direction?  Who’s flow wins? Is it about winning or losing?  Or is it more important to create healthy boundaries?

 

 

Early in my parenting journey, I was all good with going with child led pathway.  Seemed easy and made sense to me to provide structure and be flexible with my responses.  I’m a variety driven person, so this approach totally aligned to me.


Then I had a toddler, and all of a sudden, child led took on a whole new meaning.  Child led triggered all my internal fears.  Child led did not align with my desire for control and certainty those needs within us to protect and keep safe.  Who knew that both those things were within me.

The fallout was a mother who would be totally comfortable with child led, until that competed with what I wanted and I don’t mean being a controlling parent with authoritarian expectations.  I meant, wanting my child to stay close, and him being an adventure – and great escape artist.

What would have been way more helpful for both of us was to have that north star or touch stone to remind me that my aim in parenting was to raise a successful adult.

The reality is, the childhood years are lots of work.  We are raising a fresh human who arrives with no common sense, logic or reasoning skills, and they need us to be available to them and create an environment that supports them learn.

It’s appreciating that they won’t always need us and the only way they’ll be appropriately prepared is for us to gradually release them as they become capable.  Accepting that through each development phase, it’ll be a bit of up and down along the way as they build their skills and experience.

 

 

 When we keep that big picture in consideration, we can then support them with how to achieve better next time and evolve into the future.  No through telling, as our children learn way more from what they experience than what they are told.  When we pause and appreciate their choices are not all our responsibility it becomes easier to parent with confidence.  

I know with my oldest wild child, being aware of the big picture was important because there were many difficult moments in the tactical day to day.  I had to stop taking things personally and reacting and competing with him and instead support him in age and developmentally appropriate ways with his decision making.  

As parents we can get so focused on what they aren’t succeeding at yet, that we treat them as if we’ve already failed or react ourselves based on our own fear of failure.   It’s not fair to either party, as we are both learning together.

How well are you doing with accepting you are learning together?  Are you appreciating you’re not just bigger and stronger, that you have the greater capacity to be wiser and kinder too?

The aim should be to create a safe-haven so that your child trusts that you can and will listen before you determine what’s next.  Our confidence in the way we parent 

 

 

If you are in the trenches raising kids and

not always sure whether there are better ways,

then come join us in

Conscious Wholehearted Parenting

where we are accepting our humanness

so that we can be even better models for our kids.

Author – Leanne G Wakeling – Relationship and Communication Coach, Parenting Mentor, Behaviour and Thinking Styles Profiler.