Inspired by this article from Huffington Post by Jamie Varon *language warning aka a few swear words in the linked article.
As a parent mentor one of the things I notice is the way parents get so wound up about where they are and where their child/ren are up to developmentally.
It’s great to be aware, that’s not what I mean, it’s when parents get anxious about every little behaviour. It’s tough for those parents who don’t have family around in order to get assurance that actually baby is doing just fine, or yes that behaviour is a problem, though just observe and see how things progress.
Generation Parenting Perspective
This current generation of parents, particularly, seem even more worried about how their child is progressing, or perhaps that’s just my perspective as a Boomer parent with Gen Y kids. Yet for the most tech savvy, knowledge available generation to date there seems to be a gap in them seeking out the information to understand that their child is on the range of normal.
Tradition v Progress
To be fair it’s also appreciating that for those who do have parents and grandparents who are providing feedback, we also have the tension of old world, aka traditional parenting v the myriads of more modern parenting movements. If anyone is prone to uncertainty it can be a minefield of worry about “doing the right thing”.
Back to Communication Basics
I wonder what could happen if we chilled out a little more? Spent more time in the moment and waiting out for instance to see whether this behaviour passes.
Going back to communication basics of new world parenting, that of validating the child’s feelings first. It’s such a sticking point for many parents, chances are they certainly weren’t heard as they were raised because that’s the way traditional parenting believed. The way to teach a child was to control their behaviour, and all would be good.
Modern neuropsychology and neuroscience have proved how wrong that approach was for encouraging healthy development of a future adult human.
Parenting is such a rollercoaster ride. Like the article says
“You don’t get to control every outcome and aspect as a way to never give in to the uncertainty and unpredictability of something that’s beyond what you understand.”
The Key – SELF-TRUST
As a person who may have been somewhat inclined to trying to control the outcome, I do appreciate the desire. What I have learned is that, we cannot control everything and the more we try the unhappier we will be. The key is Self-Trust, and that comes from allowing ourselves the believe that we can handle what comes.
On Way to MASTERY
You may already be part way to mastery. Though in the moment of crisis, we delete, distort and generalise out all the evidence to the contrary of what we believe in that moment.
The way to overcome the gap, is to breath, take the time to appreciate that even though we may not like the possible outcome options, that we can generally cope.
The reality is, that the vast majority of the concerns that I see in the parenting communities I mentor and the clients I work with are fleeting when the appropriate response is given.
When we trust that we will work it out, instead of worrying about the consequences of whether we can work it out, gives a much greater chance of enjoying the life in the moment.
For some of us, self-trust is an alien concept because the way we were brought up in old world parenting means that the voice in our head is seeking for us to fail. The intention of modern parenting is to empower our children to become confident in themselves, so that they don’t have the same voices in their head the most of us do.
You know those voices, you’re not good enough, you don’t belong, you’re not loveable.
The problem is, those are the voices of a child. That child inside who didn’t get their feelings validated, so was left to create their own meanings about what was said. The vast majority of parents didn’t intend to be hurtful. They were repeating the pattern that they were taught.
The challenge for us now, is to appreciate that nature will always take the path of least resistance. What that means is that without conscious and intentional action, we will repeat the pattern of our own upbringing. The great thing is, that with conscious awareness and intentional action we can override our programming.
If modern parenting is throwing some curve balls, that you haven’t figured out how to master yet,
if you’d like to support and guidance to have focus,
come join me and other parents who are seeking to become the leader for raising their 21st century adults in the Conscious and Intentional Parenting Tribe.
where you can access tools, strategies and support, to assist you in raising children to become emotionally intelligent to meet the needs of Adulting in the 21st century.
Author – Leanne G Wakeling, Relationship and Communication Coach, Parenting Mentor, Behaviour and Thinking Styles Profiler
18 January 2020